J. Robert King


Do you know why Frenchmen hate Americans? It’s a long story, but I’ll try to make it short.

When they gave us the Statue of Liberty they had 10,000 French warriors inside who waited until dark to spring out and capture New York, only when they did they found out they were on Liberty Island and didn’t have the two bits for the ferry ride to the mainland, so they had to swim for it and the only ones of the 10,000 that made it were three brothers from Alsace-Lorraine who happened to have webbed fingers and toes due to inbreeding and thus when they washed up on Manhattan were not taken to a hospital but a lab because the scientists thought they were frogs, and meanwhile the others drowned and were washed up on Liberty Island where they were buried beneath the statue with the warning, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore, send these, the homeless tempest tossed to me, I’ve room to bury them beneath my floor,” and when the three brothers from Alsace-Lorraine heard this warning they fled the lab and clipped the webbing from their fingers and toes and went into business blocking hats for the same politicians that snickeringly had arranged for the statue to be on an island. Since then they have worked their revenge on America by patiently and thoroughly and badly blocking hats so that not a person in Manhattan wears a bowler by choice anymore.

September 3rd, 2012
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