J. Robert King


Worms have very small brains, pin-sized things that straddle the digestive tract like a man straddling a blue whale. Two principles reside in that brain: Eat Dirt and Squirm. It must be understood that all actions undertaken by the worm are categorized accordingly. For example, when a worm encounters a corpse, it must categorize it as Dirt so that it may Eat. Likewise, when a worm is sliced in half by a small boy, it knows the time has come to Squirm.

The robin who eats the worm has a slightly larger brain, having digested the worm brain into its own. A robin brain thus has more principles: Eat Dirt, Eat Worm, Eat Bug, Flap Wings, Feed Babies, Build Nest, Sing Song, Strafe Cat, and Harry Human. The astute observer will realize that these principles have all been gained through the bird’s digestion of the principle-fortified brains of lesser creatures. The robin gained Eat Dirt from worms, Eat Worm and Eat Bug from spiders, Flap Wings from moths, Feed Babies from bees, Build Nest from mud daubers, Sing Song from crickets, Strafe Cat from horseflies, and Harry Human from cats.

The astute observer will also realize that the origin of human principles is likewise the human gullet. This is why we must give up veal calf, for from it we have learned Bleat Mournfully, Chafe Hopelessly, Dread Farmer, Worry Tail, Abrade Joints, and Expect Execution.

Many other unwholesome principles have crept into human consciousness by way of the insatiable gullet. Various pates has taught us Gorge and Explode Liver; lobster has taught Scream While Dying and Scuttle; beef has taught us Lick Genitals and Stink; venison has taught us Stare Blankly and Jay-Walk; and the list goes on and on. (In Korea, the popularity of dog-soup and Doggy-Style are correlated).

The problem is complex, for most animals have disgusting habits that humans should not practice, and a culinary retreat to the vegetable kingdom allows only the principles Sway Slowly and Grow. The only reasonable solution lies in eating animals nobler than oneself: the dolphin, the bald eagle, the horse, the Saint Bernard. Some purists will, perhaps, prefer to eat people nobler than themselves, such as women, rulers, or geniuses. Or yet, best of all are those who eat only communion wafers and drink only communion wine, for they receive the principle of Messianic Salvation.

Even so, many of those folk have discovered, too late, that Jesus often Lisped Words and had the annoying propensity to Pick Nose.

September 6th, 2012
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2 Responses to “Principle”

  1. Jarrod Says:

    An interesting theory Rob, and immediately I started wondering how it might apply to zombies and their characteristics?

  2. admin Says:

    Brains! Must pass test!

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